Charmaine's, 240695
Little Bunny, hophophop. |
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Sunday, February 1, 2009
Gone with th wind, 3 Charmaine,T What hurts the most, is being so close. And having so much to say, then watching you walk away. -- I sit by myself by the window, looking out at the fat raindrops splashing hard onto my window, taking in the comforting ‘pitter patter’ noise that they make. A cold wind blew, and I pulled my cardigan closer to my body. I looked through my almost empty handphone message inbox, and realized that my messages had dropped from a thousand over till a miserable one hundred after I deleted all the messages from him. As I sat there, I felt so lonely, so empty, and so, bare. In fact, there was no words to describe how I felt. With my laptop on my lap, with our last conversation box opened, and then everything escaped from me, things that were trapped in me since who knew when. For the next hour and a half I sat there, crying my heart out behind closed doors, like a little girl wailing for her mother to buy her the pretty little doll on the shelf in the toys department. I cried until my eyes felt swollen, my face feeling red and hot, and myself feeling breathless. In my hand I held a penknife, its blade broken to reveal a new, sharp blade that, with a little strength, can make one see blood. I put the blade against my wrist and let the blade move across my wrist. The next moment I know, I saw blood splurting out, but I felt no pain at all. All I felt was a heartache that threatened to tear my heart into pieces, if it wasn’t yet. Cut after cut, slit after slit, more blood flowed out. My wrist was bloody, and there was a puddle of blood below my wrist. My wrist started to feel sore, but I didn’t care. The physical pain I felt is nothing compared to the heart ache I was feeling. My heart hurt so much I thought it could just succumbed to th pain and choose to stop functioning anytime. My best friend IM-ed me to stop thinking about what had happened and just have a good night of rest. But I couldn’t rest after all that had happened. It wasn’t easy to just close your eyes and try to sleep when you know that the person that you loved so much will appear right before you in your mind and start haunting you. It wasn’t easy to just fall asleep when you know that when you do, you will start dreaming of him, which was such a daily routine. It wasn’t easy to forget everything in just a snap of your fingers when you know that that person was, is, and will never be a part of you or your life anymore. The blood dripped, the tears flowed. But the hurt never stopped. What hurt the most, was that knowing that I had lost someone so dear, but all I could do was to watch him walk away, walk out of my life, and never turning back again. What hurt the most, was not the pain on my wrist, but was the heartache that he had left me with. What hurt the most, was that I could only cry like a baby but know that soon he will be over me. What hurt the most, was knowing that what was left of me and him were just memories. What hurt the most, was that I had lost him. Period. It was the fact. Nothing’s gonna change, nothing’s gonna be the same ever again. -- I felt so faint, so tired, my head was so heavy. I felt like the world is nothing but a cold place without love anymore. The world is a cruel place, taking away the person you love the most when your starting to embark on the best part of your life with him. Why is it that we only learn how to treasure a person only when he or she is gone? If only time could just rewind itself just once, just once for me to relive those times again, I would have treasure him, holding him tight and never letting him go. -- And then, suddenly, without warning, despite being in complete darkness with no lights besides the glaring ones from my laptop, black spots appeared in my view, and suddenly I felt so free, and so light. There was this feeling in me, that told me, I never want to wake up again. -- ‘ You are everything’ those last three words you said to me, they are the ones that hurt the most. Labels: Gone with the wind |